Rump's Family Profiteering

Trump gets caught funneling $620 million to Don Jr. with a record loan to his investment firm - and it's all about those magnets that Drowsy Don doesn't understand.

In the latest episode of the never-ending MAGA money machine, Donald Trump Jr. just scored yet another massive government payday - this time a jaw-dropping $620 million Defense Department loan - thanks to a rare-earths start-up quietly backed by his own venture firm.

That's right: while President Donald Trump rambles on national television about how "nobody knows what a magnet is," his son is cashing in on them like they're the secret to eternal life.

Vulcan Elements, the barely known company boosted by Trump Jr.'s 1789 Capital in August, is suddenly getting the largest loan the Pentagon's Office of Strategic Capital has ever issued. And - surprise! - it's only the newest in a string of fat government contracts funneled to firms connected to Trump Jr.'s portfolio. Four of them have already raked in $735 million since the president returned to office in January.

Ethics experts are sounding the alarm, warning that presidents are supposed to avoid even the appearance of funneling taxpayer money into their own family's pockets. But this administration has blown straight past "appearance" and into full-blown "walking conflict of interest in broad daylight."

And if it weren't so corrupt, it would almost be funny: President Trump spent November insisting on Fox News that magnets are mysterious forces nobody understands - apparently unaware that scientists cracked that code two centuries ago. Critics couldn't help but note the uncanny similarity to Insane Clown Posse's legendary line, "F---ing magnets, how do they work?"

Turns out it's pretty simple - when your dad runs the government, magnets work extremely well - especially for your bank account.